Excerpts from journal # 2

"Fixed." It is a word as double-edged as "partiality." In this sense, I suppose it means "unchanging." But suppose it meant "repaired." This is my struggle. I attempt to fix (repair) the perceptions of the world around me by imposing my "fixed" (somewhat unchanging) view of how things are on others. I am referring to the perceptions of the two cultures I straddle. I work very hard to keep an open mind. This does not mean that I do not have some views from which I will not be moved. It does mean that I allow others to have their own opinions, even if I do not agree. Though this sounds contrary to what I stated above, I work very hard not to force my ideologies on others. I believe that force is the most difficult and least effective way of changing minds. Rather, I intend to erode the (in my mind) erroneous perspectives of others with open, loving acceptance and by acting as a living example. When I do attempt to vocalize my views, rather than imparting my insights, most often I am just viewed by strangers as a bigot. Not so by the people who know me. To them, I float cultural and ethnic boundaries freely. For these, my very existence challenges their formerly "fixed" world view. But others hear my personal rhetoric and accuse me of racism against all, including the race to which I belong.

Allow me to explain. I am white. Yes, I said it: "White." Pale-faced. A cracker. Yes, those are racist terms. No, I won't be more politically correct. I will not apologize for the term. I will not apologize for "my people" (whatever that means). While I am a white American, I grew up as a minority. I think this gives me a unique insight into "the way things are" in cultures across this country. I went to high school on the reservation, where I was the only white kid. I sat in classrooms as my peers berated me for what "my race" had done to theirs. I was told I didn't belong. I was told to go back where I came from. I was told to go to a white school with "my own kind." I heard a lot of things about how "white people" are. I quietly went about living my life and my classmates decided I was different. Eventually, they labeled me as "one of us" and "a rez girl." When they would talk about "white people" and I'd snicker or smirk, they'd look at me and say, "Oh, not you. You're not white."

On the other side of the chasm my constructed identity bridges is my white family and my non-Native friends who know nothing of reservation life. These people are as ignorant and generalizing about Natives (Yes, I am using the term Natives. That is the term my rez friends and I use in conversation. Deal with it.) as Natives are about whites. And, again, all I can do is try my best to quietly use my life and experiences as an example to the contrary. This has resulted in non-Natives also seeing me as something other than "white." My family wondered if I would be able to "reintegrate into white society" after high school. Friends (again, without reservation experience) have referred to me as "the most Native person they know."

Since I have left the reservation for school, however, I feel like my acceptance there has begun to wane. Likewise, my non-Native friends have tried to persuade me to leave the reservation in my past. Yet, I feel alienated out in the "real world." It is discouraging for me. While I feel like I am a window between the two cultures through which they peer at each other, I also largely feel like I'm falling in the crack and not succeeding to belong to either. When I talk to others from my high school who have pursued higher education, they seem to slightly relate. They get brow-beaten by their tribes for being traitors because they leave the reservation and "try to be white." On top of feeling put down by their own people, they feel completely out of place being away from their tribes. They struggle with breaking the stereotypes non-Natives have for them. They try to convince their own people to be more accepting of outsiders and other ways of life without feeling like the tribal culture is being threatened. Essentially, they are the other side of my coin. When we talk, our views and goals are the same for what we would like to see for their tribes and how we plan to go back to give back to the communities that made us who we are. There is this sense of mutual understanding between us that we do not feel either among our college classmates or with our friends back on the reservation....